I self‑diagnosed myself with ADHD, OCD, and anxiety. I was feeling really broken inside, and my brain wasn’t helping me. I spent many hours listening to self‑help podcasts like Mel Robbins, Rich Roll, and Dr. K (Healthy Gamer). I bought and read a number of books on meditation, psychology, mental health, and any topic that I felt could help me. I wanted to feel productive, so I listened while taking a shower, commuting, walking, going to the gym… even while sleeping. I signed up for the 75‑Hard challenge, where I needed to read a chapter of a book, eat the right diet, do a 45‑minute indoor workout, another 45‑minute outdoor workout, and take a daily progress photo—without fail, every single day. I didn’t finish the challenge, and I beat myself up for it.

Throughout this journey, for about two years, I felt better on some days, but there were days when I didn’t feel like myself at all. It felt like everything I was doing was working against me. Yes, I learned a lot because information was becoming more available and accessible, but I also raised my expectations of myself too high.

Then I quit my job. I had enough, or maybe there was just too much going on inside me. The pressure I felt pushed me to seriously face what I was struggling with—or whatever it was I had been running away from.

I started applying for jobs and keeping myself busy: going to the gym, joining a dragon boat club, spending time walking and going to parks. A friend visited me from London, and we travelled around parts of Australia. We rented a caravan and stayed in national parks by the beach. But while on the trip, instead of enjoying it, anxiety crept in and I felt it strongly in my neck. I hyper‑focused on every sensation and got stuck on it. I developed a fear that someone would attack me and slice my neck with a knife. It was terrifying. I googled and used ChatGPT, and I concluded that these were intrusive thoughts and that they would go away if I accepted them instead of resisting them. They stayed for several days, and I thought I was going crazy. The thoughts were so strong that even while eating a good lunch or swimming at the beach, the image appeared in my mind.

After the trip, I decided to have a brain scan. I wanted to see if my brain was objectively damaged or broken. I found a clinic that does neurofeedback, also known as EEG (electroencephalogram) biofeedback. It’s a non‑invasive therapy that teaches the brain to function more efficiently and effectively. On the first day, I met Tim, the technician. He was very friendly. He attached electrodes to my scalp using an elastic cap. The electrodes were connected to equipment that amplified and recorded my brain waves while I watched a documentary on Netflix about animals. Two days after the scan, we discussed the results. I was nervous and thought this would confirm that I was a nutcase.

But he looked excited and was smiling. He showed me the scan and said, “I only see one or two patients a year with results like yours. Your brain is all green.” That meant my brain’s plasticity was really strong. Plasticity is the brain’s ability to reorganize, learn, and adapt. Then he went through some of the findings, and one thing that stood out was a very high level of self‑judgment, which triggered fight‑or‑flight responses and anxiety. He said it can be a strength, but it can also work against me. I can be very adaptive and quick to learn, but I also beat myself up or feel unsettled if I don’t follow my routine. I was too strict with myself and expected too much. There were other findings, but my key takeaway was this: I’m not broken. I had lost trust and confidence in myself. I saw myself as a victim and lived too much in my head. I doubted myself, lost compassion for myself, and ended up in a miserable state. I didn’t give myself enough credit and blamed myself whenever something went wrong at work or when expectations weren’t met.

This has made a huge impact on me so far. I feel more at ease with the world around me. I’ve noticed that I’m becoming more authentic in my interactions and can even talk to strangers without overthinking my responses. The problem with my neck went away.

I had an interview the next day, and I felt great and confident during and after it. I shifted from “Will I get this job?” to “I’m going to be myself. I will show up and be at my best—not the ‘best’ defined by others or by my ego.” I thought I could fix myself, but I don’t need to. I just need to accept who I really am and learn to live with grace and compassion.